I’ll enjoy several “feel good” days, during which she’s just  a long- lost memory.   Sometimes, I’m wound up in her grip like a possessed lover.  After a long absence she creeps up on me- a reminder I’m not alone and shouldn’t be so cocky.

As she closes in, my mind winds down and changes focus, and my body begins to slow- when movement becomes intentional.  My breath is shallow; my heart feels as if it is resting just above my chest, ready to float away and like most things,  just beyond my grasp.    Sometimes I can distance myself from her with laughter, or I’ll occupy my thoughts with busy or creative tasks.  Exercise works wonders.  Other times she slowly expands to fill every crevice of my being and all I am conscious of is her presence. I have only one question:  “How long will she stay this time around?”

I sleep to forget her,  to medicate, or I sleep with the hopes of resetting myself to a time when she didn’t exist.    She is my alter ego, my nemesis, a weighted companion who is aggressive and strong in every way that I am not, and any effort to thrive prompts her challenge.  She digs inside her iron heels and catches every fiery arrow I launch, which she swiftly breaks and tosses to the ground.

On the darkest days, she walks fast on my heels, spewing all sorts of ungodly filth and accusations,  and sin-eater that I am, I take in every bite.
She used to be so angry;   now she sits, reeking of boredom while keeping time with the tap of a finger.

Something about her presence though;  her very being requires my short supply of energy.  But as powerful as she is, I know she’s there, and  knowing is everything.


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